


The Things We Have Lost

by Elsian



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:23:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4377089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsian/pseuds/Elsian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dorian stretched as he woke, the sunlight starting to pour in through the window and spreading out over the bed, warming his face as he tried to rouse himself, pushing the sheets away and rolling over to wrap his arm around Cullen.</p>
<p>Only to hit the empty bedsheets, long turned cold. </p>
<p>“Ah yes.” He mumbled to himself, throwing his legs out of the bed and reaching for his clothes. “Of course.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things We Have Lost

Dorian stretched as he woke, the sunlight starting to pour in through the window and spreading out over the bed, warming his face as he tried to rouse himself, pushing the sheets away and rolling over to wrap his arm around Cullen.

Only to hit the empty bedsheets, long turned cold. 

“Ah yes.” He mumbled to himself, throwing his legs out of the bed and reaching for his clothes. “Of course.”

He dressed hurriedly, the sun suddenly not feeling so warm at all and tried not to think about how this was yet another morning he’d woken alone in the last two months. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

“What in Thedas is that?” Dorian asked, raising an eyebrow and seeming distinctly unimpressed as he laid eyes on Cullen, pacing in front of his desk rather than ensconced behind his desk, for once.

“I should think you know a baby when you see one, Dorian.” Cullen scoffed, holding the infant closely to his unarmoured chest, the child firmly asleep with one chubby fist grasping onto the fur of Cullen’s mantle.

“I know it is a baby. They are loud.” Dorian retorted, moving to sit in Cullen’s vacant seat, the other man scowling as the man lifted his feet onto the desk.

“He’s asleep.” Cullen glanced down at the baby, making sure he was entirely out before placing him in the basket upon the floor, tucking him in before moving to properly greet Dorian with a kiss.

“He might not be loud now, but he will be.” Dorian said as the other man pulled away “What is he doing here anyway?”

“He was left at the gates,tucked just out of sight by the bushes” Cullen looked to the baby with a sad smile. “He’s lucky he was so loud, or I might not have seen him at all.” 

“Well it’s good to know Adaar isn’t opening a Skyhold orphanage in the wake of Corypheus’s defeat at least.” Dorian looked to Cullen “As long as the little terror doesn’t disturb my beauty sleep, all shall be well.”

“I can assure you, you do not need it.” Cullen chuckled “Besides, he should be homed within the next few days, I’m just watching him until somewhere suitable has been found.”

“I might make it look effortless, but I can assure you looking this good takes work.” Dorian replied “And if you say so. You looked pretty attached already from what I can see.”

“Nonsense, I don’t have time for a baby. The war might be over but there is still so much to be done and …”

Cullen’s response was interrupted by an almighty din as the baby awoke, Dorian already on his feet and to the door. 

“That would be my cue to leave” He laughed “Good luck, Commander!” 

Cullen had to hold back the insult on the tip of his tongue as Dorian vanished, shaking his head and moving to retrieve the crying child.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - 

Cullen was sat at his desk, working diligently as ever as when Dorian returned to the man’s offices, a small plate of meats and cheeses in his hand as he pushed open the heavy door. The Commander didn’t lift his head, just as he had not looked up when Dorian descended the ladder that morning, looking at Cullen with pained eyes before leaving for the great hall.

“Will the Commander be joining us for breakfast today?” Cassandra had been at his side by the table in an instant, as she was every morning. It was her way of showing she cared, he knew that, but it was starting to grate, usually because the answer was always the same. 

He shook his head.

“I don’t think so.” He sighed, looking out of the door to Cullen’s tower and beginning the daily ritual of piling up food for Cullen to ignore. 

“You know, he’s not the only one dealing with this.” Cassandra replied, placing her hand on his arm gently. “If you need anything, Dorian, you only have to ask.”

“I don’t need anything else” Dorian thought “I need him.” 

Outwardly, he nodded and thanked Cassandra, finishing up his own food before leaving the hall for the tower, where Cullen still was.

“I brought you some breakfast.” Dorian said lightly, placing the plate down on the desk next to Cullen’s piles of documents. “You should try to eat something.”

Cullen looked at the food, frowned for a moment before exhaling deeply, looking to Dorian with a weary half-smile that didn’t begin to touch his eyes.  
“Thank you.” He said quietly, before putting his head back down, continuing with whatever important letter it was that he happened to be writing this time. 

“I’ll be in the library then, if you need me.” Dorian waited a moment before realising no response was coming, reaching out briefly with one hand to hover over Cullen’s shoulder before shaking his head and drawing away, leaving the room with a heavy heart.

When he returned from the library later that day, Cullen was gone and the plate of food remained on the desk, untouched.

\- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Cullen leant against the wall of the stairwell, simply enjoying the sight as Dorian placed books back on the shelf, baby Marcus hoisted on his hip and fast asleep, the end of one of Dorians shoulder belts in his mouth and apparently not an issue to the meticulous Mage in the slightest. 

Dorian stopped stacking and smiled when he noticed Cullen, shifting Marcus in his arms and turning to greet his lover with a chaste kiss.

“It is unlike you to be here at this time of day, Amatus.” He remarked, though his voice was wary, arm already unconsciously tightening around the boy he was holding, causing him to make a noise of protest, but not to wake.

“I know.”Cullen looked to Marcus, frowning. “They’ve found a home for him.”

“I had a feeling you were going to say that.” Dorian sighed. “How long do we have to get him ready? He hasn’t long gone down.” 

Dorian touched the boy’s hair gently, and Cullen pulled them further into the alcove, resting his hand on Dorian’s shoulder.

“Looks like I’m not the only one who grew attached to him.” he said softly.

“Don’t be ridiculous, he’s barely been here a week.” Dorian replied, though he held Marcus closer to him even as he spoke. “It’s just that he didn’t sleep that long ago is all. I doubt his new family are going to want to meet a screaming child straight off.”

“You were the one who decided he should be called Marcus.” Cullen placed his hand on Marcus’s back as he spoke, but Dorian merely scoffed.

“He could hardly go around nameless now, could he? I can have him ready in the next twenty minutes, just...give me that.” Dorian’s voice cracked at the end of the sentence, and Cullen closed his eyes, breathing deeply before looking to Dorian.  
“I want to keep him, Dorian.” 

“We can’t have a child, Cullen. A week or so is fine, but could we really do this, day in day out?” Dorian argue back, looking around for anyone who might be listening. 

“Do you want to keep him?” Cullen asked.

“That’s not the point. We’re both in and out of Skyhold all the time, never knowing how long we will be gone for or when we might be back.” Dorian continued.”That’s no kind of life for a child, what if one of us didn’t come back, then where would we be? It’s selfish, Cullen.”

“Dorian”. Cullen took the Mage by both shoulders, looking him in the eyes. “Do you want to keep him?”

“You know damn well that I do.” Dorian breathed finally, closing his eyes and lifting Marcus up, pressing his face into his hair. 

“Then I’m going to tell them they are no longer needed.” Cullen replied, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Dorian’s cheek and Marcus’s head in turn. “It won’t be easy, but we will figure it out.”

Dorian clutched Marcus to him as he watched Cullen retreat down the stairs, the baby beginning to wriggle in his arms as he awoke, reaching for Dorian’s mustache and looking up at him through sleepy eyes.

“Hello there, Terror.” Dorian smiled, taking the pudgy fist in his hand and laughing when Marcus burbled at him.

It wasn’t going to be easy, and there was much to talk about, but they would make this work.

\- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Dorian no longer had to wonder where Cullen was when he vanished from his office. There was only one place that he could be, only one other place he would visit in his daily routine. The place Dorian was never in any rush to see.

He walked slowly, staring at the ground as his mind whirled, running through anything he could say, anything he could do to bring Cullen out of the shell he’d created for himself, barely speaking to Dorian or their friends unless pushed, doing the same routine mindlessly day after day, avoiding going out onto the walls unless it was to leave or enter the tower…

The sound of small running steps reached Dorian’s ears and he whipped around like a shot, looking around wildly, eyes wide, heart sinking when he saw Iron Bull’s young son running towards him, a flower clutched in his fist that he waved enthusiastically at Dorian as he came to a halt in front of him. 

“Look what I found!” he smiled at Dorian, holding the flower up at the man. “I’m going to take it to Ma, as a surprise for the baby.” 

Dorian couldn’t help but chuckle at the child’s enthusiasm, ruffling the little hair he had between his horns as Bull came to a halt beside them, rolling his eyes.

“It won’t be a surprise if you tell everyone that we meet along the way, little one.” Bull chided gently, and the little boy pulled the flower against his chest, as though it might suddenly be snatched from him.

“Shhhh.” He whispered at Dorian dramatically, and Bull shook his head, folding his arms. 

“If you are looking for the Commander, he is where you might have come to expect.” Bull said quietly, and Dorian nodded.

“I had suspected as much.” he replied, looking towards the gardens.

“It does not do to wallow.” Bull meant well, Dorian knew he did, just as Cassandra did.

“Please, do not say that to him.” Dorian asked. He didn’t want to cause offence, it was just not what Cullen needed to hear, not right now.

“I would not.” Bull replied “Our Commander does not come near me much these days anyway, or my son, to be more precise.”

“Can I play with Marcus soon, please?” the young Qunari piped up, interrupting them and Bull was sweeping him under his arm before he knew what happened, already opening his mouth to apologise, but Dorian held up a hand.

“Please, don’t” He said, smiling even as it felt like what remained of his heart broke apart. “and please, don’t scold him. It’s not his fault, he’s a child.”

Bull seemed to struggle for words, and that was wrong too. There was so much wrong right now that Dorian didn’t even know how to begin to try and put it right. 

Bull sighed, placing his son over his shoulder, who squealed in glee and waved his flower at anyone who would look.

“We shall leave you in peace, but if you need anything…” 

Dorian smiled. 

“I know where to find you.” 

Bull watched him carefully, assessing Maker knows what before he nodded and walked away with the little Qunari still hoisted over his shoulder, waving at Dorian as they made for the main building, Dorian letting his smile fall as soon as they were a few steps away and continuing his journey to the gardens.

\- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

“And there’s a baby in there?” Marcus stared in wonder at the Inquisitor’s stomach, which he had both hands resting on. The Inquisitor laughed.

“Yes. Growing bigger every day.” She replied.

“Wow...How did they get in there?” Marcus asked curiously, and Cullen’s nostrils flared as The Iron Bull leaned forward instantly.

“Well…”

 

“Bull!” Both Dorian and Cullen cried out at once, and Bull leaned back, clearly never having intended to say a word, ruffling Marcus’s hair.

“A story for another time, kid.” 

“Aw. Okay.” He took his hands off Adaar’s stomach, rubbing his thumbs on his fingers as he always did when he had a question he wanted to ask.

“What is it, Marcus?” She said, used to the boy’s quirks.

“Do you think they’ll play with me?” he asked, shuffling on his feet. Adaar laughed and nodded.

“I can’t see why not, though you’ll have to wait until they get a little bigger I’m afraid.” 

“Marcus” Cullen called from his place at the table “Leave the Inquisitor alone now, come and finish your dinner.”

Marcus pulled a face. “It’s peas.” He whispered dramatically to Adaar. “I hate peas.”

“Now, Marcus!”

Marcus sighed heavily, saying goodbye and dragging his feet as he moved to sit back by Cullen, pushing his vegetables around the plate. 

“Father, do I have to?” He whined, looking imploringly at Dorian, who was having none of it, spearing his own food and placing it in his mouth.

“Do as your Da tells you.” He replied, smirking and purposely not eating his own peas.

Marcus sighed, taking a mouthful and grimacing.

“I hate peas.” He muttered, whilst Cullen and Dorian rolled their eyes at each other fondly across the table.

\- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

“Cullen?” 

The Commander did not turn as Dorian approached, light beginning to fade in the garden as the sun started to set. Dorian drew up next to Cullen, taking his hand loosely in his own, surprised when he actually gripped back, for the first time in what felt like forever.

“I miss him.” Cullen said quietly, almost inaudible and Dorian had to strain to hear that he had spoken at all.

“As do I, Amatus.” Dorian replied, already feeling his eyes beginning to burn, as they always did. “Nothing feels right anymore.”

“Hollow. Dull.” Cullen rasped, as it became more clear he too had been crying. “Like there’s less colour in the world.” 

He turned, pressing himself into Dorian’s arms for the first time in months, wrapping his arms around the other man’s neck. Dorian could feel the other man’s hot tears hitting his skin and he pulled him in closer, holding him tightly and pushing his own face into the fur of Cullen’s mantle to hide his own tears.

“I can’t stay here.” Cullen mumbled into Dorian’s neck. “Not here, not after everything. I’m going back to Ferelden.” 

Dorian nodded, twisting his hand into Cullens hair and caressing the back of his head.

“Whatever you need, Amatus. Whatever you need to do.” He replied. “We can be packed and gone tomorrow if that is what you want.”

Cullen shook his head, pulling back to look at Dorian, eyes rimmed-red and full of hurt.

“I’m going back to Ferelden.” 

Dorian stared at him for long while, still holding him whilst Cullen’s eyes pleaded with him, the most they’d looked or spoken to each other in months, and finally he nodded, swallowing down his anger, his hurt, his sadness.

“Whatever you need.” 

\- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Cullen scowled at the children running circles around him as the little Qunari panted and nearly tripped, stumbling on the stone on the wall.

“Marcus, play gently with him.” He chided, making a mark on his notes “He’s a lot smaller than you are.”

“He’s a Qunari, Da!” Marcus grinned at him “He can handle it!”

“I can handle it!” The little boy piped up, grinning widely when Marcus patted his head, always eager for the older boys approval.

“I doubt Bull or Adaar are going to be very pleased when you tire him to exhaustion.” Cullen reprimanded, though he smiled as the two played, running around the walls in a seemingly endless game of tag with no winner.

“Bull seemed to want me to do just that!” Marcus laughed, jumping backwards to avoid the Qunari’s darting hands, the younger boy scowling at him as he moved away again.

“I’m going to get you, Marcus!”

“No you’re not!” Marcus sing-songed, jumping back and smirking at the boy, teasing him with a hand he almost could reach before stepping away from another energetic leap, leaning back heavily against the wall with both elbows, Cullen shaking his head with a smile.

There was a brief grinding of stone against stone, a cry, and then Marcus was gone. 

Cullen dropped the clipboard to the ground, not caring for the papers as he rushed forward, leaning forward through the gap, holding onto the stones as he hurried to look over the side.

“Marcus!” He yelled, seeing his son lying unmoving in the yard below, the heavy stone that had fell embedded into the ground next to him, leg at a sickeningly odd angle. People who had been milling around in the courtyard were already rushing over and Cullen pushed himself away with a cold feeling of dread, running down the stairs off the wall at a breakneck pace, not stopping until he came to the crowd gathered at the base of the wall, pushing his way through them and taking Marcus into his arms, ripping off his glove and placing a trembling hand over his chest.

Dorian rushes out as soon as he hears, shoving the crowd aside with little cares for their cries of outrage, fighting to get to Cullen at the centre, stopping dead as he comes across the Commander, holding their little boy in his lap close his body, looking up at Dorian in despair as the tears roll from his face.

“Dorian…” He whispers helplessly.

Dorian is frozen as he stares at the child in Cullen’s arms, the crowd, Skyhold, even Cullen fading away into white noise as a single word falls unbidden from his lips.

“No.”

\- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

It’s early when Cullen leaves, the morning mist having not yet lifted from Skyhold, certainly not this high up and there are few people milling around the yard as Dorian helps him lead his horse to the gate. They have not told anyone Cullen is leaving, and so he is the only one there to see him off. He’ll deal with the aftermath later.

Neither of the look to the indent in the floor as they pass, though both far too keenly aware it is there.

At the gate Cullen turns to him, biting his lip and twisting his hand in the reins of the horse.

“Dorian…” He falters, looking away, and Dorian shakes his head, placing his hand on Cullen’s cheek.

“Don’t apologise, please.” 

Cullen closes his eyes and sighs, before opening them and pressing his lips to Dorian’s chastely, another first in months. Dorian tries not to think that it may be the last. 

“When you need me, I shall be here.” He says “You only have to send word.”

 

“Perhaps.” Cullen breathes “Perhaps you should return to Tevinter.”

“I shall be here.” Dorian repeats. Cullen stares at him curiously for a moment, then mounts his horse, looking down at Dorian.  
“Don’t.” He says. “Just go.” 

Cullen opens his mouth, then closes it again, kicking the horse into movement and beginning to ride away, leaving Dorian to watch his back as he retreats into the distance.

“Look back.” Dorian thinks, watching, and waiting.

“Please, look back.”


End file.
